How to Have Healthy Relationships

Have your relationships changed?

Mine sure have. For me, there are the obvious ways, like that fact that I haven’t seen most of my family in over a year (they live in the States), or my friends – we moved at the end of 2019 to Egypt and then moved again to Ontario thanks to, well, the world shifting, and now we live in a nice, safe place where we don’t know too many people, and most things are still shut down. Then there are smaller, subtle maybe even unconscious ways I interact with the people and things in my life.

All the ways we "relationship"

This got me thinking a lot of about relationships. We have a relationship to everything we come in contact with people, food, nature, even our belongings, and yes, even our thoughts, behaviours and emotions.

That’s a lot of threads being interwoven together. For each of these relationships, large and small, conscious and unconscious, there is a story full of emotions which create an effect, be it positive or negative. The relationship is either working for you and adding to your overall enjoyment, happiness and coherence, or it’s not, in which case it is causing you to lose energy and feel drained. Most likely this is happening because you are doing one thing, saying something else and thinking something entirely different.

If your relationship has you saying one thing, thinking another thing, and doing something else, then your relationship is not contributing to your coherence.

In my late 30s I related to food as comfort. The choices I made about what I put in my body were based largely on would this make me feel good, right now? I would talk about health and wanting to be healthy, but truthfully, there was no consideration for health. Not really. How could there be when I focused on stuffing burgers, pizza, chocolate, cookies, wine, pop, basically sugar and caffeine in my mouth whenever I needed to feel “good”, which was often. Sure, I ate healthy foods also, but my attention, the foods that got me excited were the comfort foods, regardless of what I said. The worst time for me was around 3 in the afternoon when my reserves were low, and I was tired. I reached for chips and other snacks that made me feel good, like a reward for getting through the day. Or a drink. A drink back then quickly became my favorite reward for “getting through the day.” And my mental chatter then was pretty harsh – and talk about incoherence! Even while I was eating the comfort food, hoping to alleviate the stress, I felt guilty because I was beating myself up in my mind for not doing what I said I was going to do (eat healthy), and so what a loser jerk I was for not holding up my word.

Talk about a mess!

Yet, in those days, my relationships - to myself, my food, my everything were short term – survive, get through another day.

Eventually, I was able to heal this and upgrade my relationship status to healthy. It’s a much more long-term, balanced approach, and it it took a two-step approach to get me here.

Two-Steps for Healthy Relationships:

First, I used assessment, visualization and what I knew of science.

I began by asking myself if what I’m doing now is going to serve 80-year-old me, or 90-year-old me, especially if I would like my health to last as long as my life. I then asked myself what kind of person I want to be at the end of my life. The answer was flexible in my body and able to move easily, vibrant, and energetic with my mental status intact. A spitfire ‘til the day I die.

And from there I reversed engineered the story of what it would take to get there. Who would I have to become right now in order to become her in 40 or 50 more years? In and around your 40s the idea of ‘if you don’t use it, you lose it’ really starts to come into play, which makes it even more urgent and important to care for all the cells in your body, to tell them they are needed and vital. The brain, the gut, the flab under your arms, the sag in the facial skin – are all cells listening to a story of their worth which you are telling everyday in the way you consistently show up for them. Or don’t.

I started to imagine myself as older, fit, with lines sure, but mostly looking hot.

Our bodies rebuild every seven years, so after 6 cycles of basically treating my body with little to no consideration, taking advantage of it and taking it for granted on a regular basis, I had another 6 cycles or so to clean all that up, and learn to work in true partnership with the only being that truly mattered – Me - my self, my body.

This is when I hit upon a big "aha." No child, partner, friendship, job, associate, habit, belief, thought or feeling is going to be with me 100% of the time, none except my body and my mind. Therefore, it stands to reason, for this reason alone, I deserve the majority of my care, protection, nurturing and love. For my health, I deserve my coherence – for my actions, my words and my thoughts to all be focused on the same goal – my health and vitality.

Caring for myself is the One thing, the priority.

Since I re-oriented my commitments to revolve around myself, I have been better able to show up in the best way possible for all the other aspects of my life, and all the other things I care deeply about. And no, this is not selfish in any way. As the Mandalorian says, “This is the way.”

Here’s why:

Science is quickly catching up and verifying something that mystics and shamans the centuries and worlds over have known, well, forever. Consciousness is what creates reality – or your perception of it.

Your perception of reality was first gifted to you when you were born. Your parents, your teachers, your friends and society itself, gifts you with “A “perception of reality (not “THE”). I say “A” because a person born in upstate New York is not going to be gifted the same “reality” as a person born in Jakarta, Indonesia. The culture, the food, the norms, the resources, the environment – will create two diverse “realities” each equally true and valid.

Every human journey comes to a crossroads where the choice is simple, even if it's not easy. To continue the road someone else laid out for you or to gift yourself the permission to create your own.

When you grow up and experience the world for yourself, certain aspects may not jive anymore and what was once a gift of structure, safety and feeling like you belonged somewhere – in a family, in a community, in a culture – might outlive its usefulness leaving you feeling pressured to continue along a path that no longer speaks to you. And for some, the structure provided may never have been suitable or safe. Either way, you end up with a situation of doing one thing, saying another, and thinking yet another something different. This is chaos.

Every human journey comes to a crossroads where the choice is simple, even if it's not easy. To continue the road someone else laid out for you or to gift yourself the permission to create your own.

To continue might include a level of familiarity which is what the ego wants you to do – stay in your comfort and continue on, business as usual, even if it sucks. This is your inner child. This is the part of you that was created in the first 7 years of your life when you absorbed and accepted the world that was given to you. This is the deep, core programming that will continue to run your life for the rest of your life, for better or for worse, if you let it, without making any changes or upgrades.

This version comes with all the genetic predispositions of your heritage. It comes with all the curses, or habits, all the ways of operating, dealing with emotions, community, how you relate, whether or not you’re a racist, sexist, how you feel about money and your ability to earn it or not – basically it comes with a manual of ‘my family is like this, so I’m like this’ thinking which can be applied in a blanket fashion to every area of your life.

Yet, this is only one option. And maybe not the best one either, as this is the default programming and leads you down a path of living a default-kind-of-life.

Which brings me to the second step I undertook to improve my relationships – energy medicine and healing.

Relationship Healing

As I said, science is catching up to some ancient wisdom which knows that genes are only responsible for 10% of what actually happens in the biology. Energy is information that moves. It informs the matter, which is you. It gets its programming from Information and there are two sources of information – the genetic material you are born with, the default – and SOURCE.

Source is, well, the source of all information - it is intelligence, consciousness on the grand scale. It is nature, the air, the universe, the water, everything. It is wisdom incarnate and exists in the field we call “reality” whatever version that may be.

Human beings have the ability with their minds to tap into this field at any time. If DNA is the hardware of our existence then this field is the software, and software can always be updated, improving the efficiency of the human experience. The key, of course, is awareness.

Awareness is important because it allows you to examine the factors at play in your life.

Are you enjoying your life? Are you enjoying your health? Do you feel worthy and deserving? Is there space and time to connect with your passion and joy? Are you experiencing most things from a perspective of sufficiency? Are you able to love openly, forgive easily, trust yourself, give and get what you desire from your relationships?

“When you don’t investigate what’s going on with your words, thoughts, and beliefs, you risk stumbling through life on autopilot, “ Jen Sincero

How you live, heal, grow and die is all a choice. It does not necessarily need to be default programming.

The version of you created up to age seven does not need to be the version you accept at 35 or 42, or any age. You are not obligated to be exposed to the same types of injuries, mindsets, and pathways as your parents, or your community or your culture, even.

And while scarcity and fear, the mainstream mentalities, would like you to believe that uniqueness, difference, and individuality are selfish and possibly dangerous, that is simply because that mentality thrives on sameness of structure. It is one story, one option. It can be safe, but it comes with a cost which may or may not be worth the benefit you are receiving. There is a reason dementia and Alzheimer’s are on the rise, not to mention mental health issues. The “traditional” path is not designed to sustain your mental and physical health right up until your last breath – one gives out long before the other, and that’s no fun.

Fun, at least to me, is choosing the kind of life you desire and making it happen. And you can – once you get clear on what you want, what you love, the next best action is to clear off all the old stuff and make room for the new.

This is when I discovered relationship clearing and it is one of the most powerful techniques, I use with many of my clients. A relationship clearing is like a reset – it removes all the cords, contracts, vows, past life stuff – basically everything that binds you to another but is not love based is removed. Love cords never get disconnected, just the unhealthy stuff, the old stuff, the no-longer serving the best and highest good stuff. A relationship clearing also removes all the stuck emotions holding all those patterns and programs in place, and provides a clear slate, and the space to make new choices instead of feeling obligated, guilty, or shameful about being stuck and not knowing how to move forward.

And yes, resetting relationships, living an original life, choosing your health story, your life story, your own programming comes with a cost as well – certain ways you once related to the world will shift, certain foods, people, experiences, habits, thoughts, feelings, and stories will fall away. There will be little deaths and invitations to let go. This can be hard.

In the short term, the ego flares with fear and warns you not to go into depths unknown. The little you inside, the ego, subconscious programming will most likely resist and throw up all sorts of fears, worries, and other obstacles to deter you and cause you to doubt. That's normal; that is its function after all – to preserve the programming it has.

But the adult you, the empowered you, can provide new programming, which once accepted into the body, the ego will serve with as much loyalty and diligence it once provided the old programming. It will defend your right to self care, your right for worth, your desire for wealth and healthy boundaries and relationships. It will protect and nurture your new programming of health, wealth, ease – whatever you desire, and it will help keep you focused on these new goals and desires as if its life depended on it.

Shifts happen all the time, some we can’t control and some we can.

It really does come down to:

Who do you want to have around you? And why.

What kind of experience do you desire to have? And why.

How much value will allow yourself to experience? And why.

Will you put more faith in what you desire to believe, or what you were raised to believe?

You may have heard the phrase, what you focus on expands and this is true for all areas of your life. If you are focused on lack, limits, and needs not being met, doing things for others out of obligation or habit – you will end up with more of this energy.

And if you focus on self care, serving others from a position of empowerment and feeling grateful for all the relationships in your life then you will get more of this.

Relationship healings are a sign of respect, allowing all parties to reset and reclaim their energy and start again.

  • When I’m having relationship issues with my parents, friends, partner, or cow-workers, I use a relationship healings to reset the board and see things clearly.

  • As my kids are growing up, I use relationship healings to reset our boundaries allowing me to see them in their new more mature phase, while also providing them with the space and opportunity to take on more of the responsibility of designing who they wish to become.

  • When I feel like I have an unhealthy connection to a food or thing a relationship clearing helps disconnect

  • When I need to heal relationships from the past with old lovers or patterns I can't seem to escape, a relationship clearing releases their hold on me.

  • In all cases, this tool is used to demonstrate respect to witnessing and realizing that we are always growing and changing.

The new situation is simply a reminder of what has always been true even if we have been a bit unconscious about it – shift and change is always happening on large and small scales. Some changes we have control over and others we do not, but we can always have control of our inner world, because we always have a choice – to shift out the constraints and density of a current story of struggle and suffering and move into a space of playing with the creative potential that exists all around us. It's really a matter of living with internal chaos or getting closer to coherence.

The choice is yours. Always. Your life comes from you and through you. When you align your heart and mind, and set yourself up for success, you will live from a place of love, coherence and health which will serve you until the end.